THE DEAF BOOK-KEEPER

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.. 
When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. 
The Godfather tells the lawyer "Ask him where the 10 million bucks heembezzled from me is." 
  
The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is. 

The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about." 

The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you'retalking about.." 

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple andsays, "Ask him again!" 
  
The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!" 

The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens !" 

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?" 

The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger." 
  
Don't you just love lawyers?

Pay Attention!

First-year students at Texas A & M's Vet school were attending their first Anatomy class, with a real dead pig.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a White sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, 'In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a Doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the Animal body'. For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, touched his finger in the mouth of the dead pig, withdrew it and put his Finger in his mouth. 'Go ahead and do the same thing,' he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually took turns putting their finger in the mouth of the dead pig and tasted in their mouth.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, 'The Second most important quality is observation. I touched with my middle Finger and tasted on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention…

Moral of the story: 

The great Indian Magician……

Three world famous magicians were in the bar drinking and boasting about their achievements.

 

The first one said," During my latest show, I made three women from the audience disappear, it was so convincing that their relatives started panicking, no one could find the trick"

 

The second one said, " Hey, that is nothing, during one of my open air shows I made the Municipality building disappear and the entire town was searching for it"

 

The third one sighed and said," Both of you are so local, I went to Paris and made the Eiffel Tower disappear for a full one hour, it was live on the TV, entire France was searching for the building & no one had a clue".

 Just then an Indian walked into the bar and the three magicians suddenly turned quiet, gave each other fugitive glances and started to slip towards the door.

 

A Bartender watching this got curious and asked one of the magicians, "Hey what happened ? Who is that guy ? "

 

One of the magicians whispered, "He is the World's greatest magician, he has done the biggest disappearing trick of all times, we are all mere amateurs compared  with what he has done.

 

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His name is Ramalinga Raju. He has made USD 1.5 billion disappear from his company's balance sheet in front of everyone's eyes, and the entire world is still looking for it" 
 

Code Monkey Lyrics

Listen to the song and follow the lyrics……………………simply Superb!

 

 

Code Monkey Lyrics

Code Monkey get up get coffee

Code Monkey go to job

Code Monkey have boring meeting

With boring manager Rob

Rob say Code Monkey very dilligent

But his output stink

His code not “functional” or “elegant”

What do Code Monkey think?

Code Monkey think maybe manager want to write god damned login page himself

Code Monkey not say it out loud

Code Monkey not crazy, just proud

Code Monkey like Fritos

Code Monkey like Tab and Mountain Dew

Code Monkey very simple man

With big warm fuzzy secret heart:

Code Monkey like you

Code Monkey hang around at front desk

Tell you sweater look nice

Code Monkey offer buy you soda

Bring you cup, bring you ice

You say no thank you for the soda cause

Soda make you fat

Anyway you busy with the telephone

No time for chat

Code Monkey have long walk back to cubicle he sit down pretend to work

Code Monkey not thinking so straight

Code Monkey not feeling so great

Code Monkey like Fritos

Code Monkey like Tab and Mountain Dew

Code Monkey very simple man

With big warm fuzzy secret heart:

Code Monkey like you

Code Monkey like you a lot

Code Monkey have every reason

To get out this place

Code Monkey just keep on working

See your soft pretty face

Much rather wake up, eat a coffee cake

Take bath, take nap

This job “fulfilling in creative way”

Such a load of crap

Code Monkey think someday he have everything even pretty girl like you

Code Monkey just waiting for now

Code Monkey say someday, somehow

Code Monkey like Fritos

Code Monkey like Tab and Mountain Dew

Code Monkey very simple man

With big warm fuzzy secret heart:

Code Monkey like you

 

 

 

SO HOW DID U FIND IT???????????????????

 

Impact of Crisis in IT Employee’s Family

Sekar (Calling his family from Amsterdam): Good Evening Mom and Dad. Where is my wife Sheela? 
 
Dad: Just now I called her. She is on the way to home after taking our grandson Rahul from his school. 
 
Sekar: Let us wait for her few minutes and we will start this discussion. 
                 (By the time Sheela entered in to the house.. Sekar continue the meeting) 
 
I hope you know the Agenda of the meeting which I had mentioned in the meeting request. Even though let me read out the agenda once again 
1. Status update/Discussion on Last Week Action Items 
2. Family Strategy 
2. Rahul’s Education 
3. Medical Insurance for Mom and Dad 
 
I hope every one have the printout of last week MOM (Minutes of Meeting). 
Dear Mom can you please update the status of tasks which you are taking care of? 
 
Mom: Sekar, I am taking care of kitchen module which involves making products like Sambar, Rasam, Curd Rice, Vegetable Biriyani.I am not comfortable in handling the tools for making Non Vegetarian products. You suggest some training in Hlite. However after making these products, I am giving to your Dad for Acceptance testing. Once he satisfied with the quality of taste, we pass it to Dining Hall. One more thing, I would like to share with you. As you have suggested during my appraisal discussion, now I have stopped crying while watching mega serials in TV 
 
Sekar: Sounds Good. 
 
Sekar: Now coming to Dad. Dad can you please update us? 
 
Dad: Yes. My dear son. I have completed my tasks by paying the current bill and phone bill with in time. 
 
Sekar: That’s good 
 
Dad: But I couldn’t pay the premium amount of 9200.00 of the LIC plan which you had taken for tax reduction purpose. 
 
Sekar: It doesn’t look nice dad. I have sent you the amount already and given clear instructions. 
Can you explain to me what went wrong? 
 
Dad: On Tuesday night suddenly one of our team mate (your mom) fell down on the floor when she was running to catch Rahul. Then we took her to hospital and spent that amount for her medical expenses. 
 
Mom: Sekar, I would like to add on what your Dad said, that was true. I got heavy injury in my legs and I was in hospital for two days. So now we don’t have money to pay for the premium. 
 
Sekar: Sheela..! Would you aware of this? As a home lead, I expect you to track these issues and send it to me on daily basis. What are you doing (With stress on ‘doing’) after coming from college? 
 
Sheela: Will do it Sekar. You know that the college, I am working is very far from our home. Every day I come back home at 6 pm and sit with Rahul for assisting him for doing his home work. 
 
Sekar: Ok. Coming to second Agenda point .Due to this financial crisis we need to change the strategy of running our family. I am looking for your cooperation in the following cost cutting activities. I want to see the cost benefit of 40 % in this month budget after implementing this 
ü  Asking servant maid to leave her job 
ü  Stop ordering Pizzas for dinner 
ü  Avoid Tooth paste and use Neem sticks/Banyan Tree Sticks 
ü  Switch on TV only for watching Sunday Movie and Friday Oliyum Ozhiyum(Well known program for film songs in Podigai TV) 
ü  Wise to listen news from our near by portion when they watch news in TV 
ü  Every Saturday visit our relative’s homes and spend the whole day including break fast, lunch and Dinner 
ü  Don’t invite anybody to our home. Sunday our relatives might come to our house. Just lock the door outside and do your work inside silently. 
ü  Everybody assemble in adjacent street Perumal temple on Sunday for breakfast. They provide ‘Pongal’ as ‘prasadam’ which is good in taste 
ü  Sheela stop going for gym and Yoga class. Use Attural (Made up of Stone for making Dosa /idly dough), Ammikal (Replacement of Mixie) instead of grinder and Mixie. Mom please give KT to Sheela about this. 
ü  Don’t buy excess of things and store it in Fridge. Use big Mud pots for cool water. 
ü  Everybody go to bed early around 6:30 pm. Ask Rahul to do his homework when he comes back from school immediately during the hours sunlight is available. If not ask him to read under street light. He will become like Lincoln (Former US President) one day. 
ü  Use as much of cycle for transportation to near by places(It will help you to reduce fat and Cholesterol content) 
ü  I know you are eager to watch latest release ‘Vaaranam Aayiram’. Don’t plan for that. Wail till next year Diwali to watch the same movie in Kalaignar TV 
 
If you have any clarifications contact Sheela@kitchen 
 
Coming to second Agenda point. Sheela, can you please update me about Rahul’s Education. In which standard he is studying? Whether he got any double promotion? He was writing annual exam for third standard when I was leaving for Amsterdam. 
 
Sheela: Sekar, I am bit worrying about his education. I have tracked his efforts, schedule in our OHM+ tool. I found 20 % in Effort variance and 35 % in schedule deviation. His learning curve goes down in the control chart which you can see in the report, I have sent you yesterday. 
 
Sekar: Thanks for your measurements. I will review the report and we will discuss it on next week’s call. I have a client meeting now. So we will discuss the third agenda item next week. Mom and Dad.. can you please drop out from the call. I wanted to talk to Sheela about few personal things and Dad, don’t forget to circulate the MOM (Minutes of Meeting) to every one. 
 
Sheela: Hello Sekar.. 
 
Sheela: Hello…Hello… 
 
Sheela: Hello… 
 
 
  
Konjam tooooooooo much than… 

Bankruptcy Concept...

Once there was a little island country. The "land" of this country was the tiny island itself.

The total money in circulation was 2 dollars as there were only two pieces of 1 dollar coins circulating around.

1) There were 3 citizens living on this island country.

A owned the land.

B and C each owned 1 dollar.

2) B decided to purchase the land from A for 1 dollar.

So, now A and C own 1 dollar each while B owned a piece of land that is worth 1 dollar.

* The net asset of the country now = 3 dollars.

3) Now C thought that since there is only one piece of land in the country, and land is non producible asset, its value must definitely go up. So, he borrowed 1 dollar from A, and together with his own 1 dollar, he bought the land from B for 2 dollars.

*A has a loan to C of 1 dollar, so his net asset is 1 dollar.

* B sold his land and got 2 dollars, so his net asset is 2 dollars.

* C owned the piece of land worth 2 dollars but with his 1 dollar debt to A, his net residual asset is 1 dollar.

* Thus, the net asset of the country = 4 dollars.

4) A saw that the land he once owned has risen in value. He regretted having sold it. Luckily, he has a 1 dollar loan to C. He then borrowed 2 dollars from B and acquired the land back from C for 3 dollars. The payment is by 2 dollars cash (which he borrowed) and cancellation of the 1 dollar loan to C.
As a result, A now owned a piece of land that is worth 3 dollars. But since he owed B 2 dollars, his net asset is 1 dollar.

* B loaned 2 dollars to A. So his net asset is 2 dollars.

* C now has the 2 coins. His net asset is also 2 dollars.

* The net asset of the country = 5 dollars.

A bubble is building up.

(5) B saw that the value of land kept rising. He also wanted to own the land. So he bought the land from A for 4 dollars. The payment is by borrowing 2 dollars from C, and cancellation of his 2 dollars loan to A.

* As a result, A has got his debt cleared and he got the 2 coins. His net asset is 2 dollars.

* B owned a piece of land that is worth 4 dollars, but since he has a debt of 2 dollars with C, his net Asset is 2 dollars.

* C loaned 2 dollars to B, so his net asset is 2 dollars.

* The net asset of the country = 6 dollars; even though, the country has only one piece of land and 2 Dollars in circulation.

(6) Everybody has made money and everybody felt happy and prosperous.

(7) One day an evil wind blew, and an evil thought came to C's mind.

'Hey, what if the land price stop going up, how could B repay my loan. There is only 2 dollars in circulation, and, I think after all the land that B owns is worth at most only 1 dollar, and no more.'

(8) A also thought the same way.

(9) Nobody wanted to buy land anymore.

* So, in the end, A owns the 2 dollar coins, his net asset is 2 dollars.

* B owed C 2 dollars and the land he owned which he thought worth 4 dollars is now 1 dollar. So his net asset is only 1 dollar.

* C has a loan of 2 dollars to B. But it is a bad debt. Although his net asset is still 2 dollars, his Heart is palpitating.

* The net asset of the country = 3 dollars again.

(10) So, who has stolen the 3 dollars from the country ? Of course, before the bubble burst B thought his land was worth 4 dollars. Actually, right before the collapse, the net asset of the country was 6 dollars on paper.
B's net asset is still 2 dollars, his heart is palpitating.

(11) B had no choice but to declare bankruptcy. C as to relinquish his 2 dollars bad debt to B, but in return he acquired the land which is worth 1 dollar now.

* A owns the 2 coins, his net asset is 2 dollars.

* B is bankrupt, his net asset is 0 dollar. ( he lost everything )

* C got no choice but end up with a land worth only 1 dollar

* The net asset of the country = 3 dollars.

************ **End of the story; BUT ************ ********* ******

There is however a redistribution of wealth.

A is the winner, B is the loser, C is lucky that he is spared.

A few points worth noting -

(1) When a bubble is building up, the debt of individuals to one another in a country is also building up.

(2) This story of the island is a closed system whereby there is no other country and hence no foreign debt. The worth of the asset can only be calculated using the island's own currency. Hence, there is no net loss.

(3) An over-damped system is assumed when the bubble burst, meaning the land's value did not go down to below 1 dollar.

(4) When the bubble burst, the fellow with cash is the winner. The fellows having the land or extending loan to others are the losers. The asset could shrink or in worst case, they go bankrupt.

(5) If there is another citizen D either holding a dollar or another piece of land but refrains from taking part in the game,  he will neither win nor lose. But he will see the value of his money or land go up and down like a see saw.

(6) When the bubble was in the growing phase, everybody made money.

(7) If you are smart and know that you are living in a growing bubble, it is worthwhile to borrow money (like A) and take part in the game. But you must know when you should change everything back to cash.

(8) As in the case of land, the above phenomenon applies to stocks as well.

(9) The actual worth of land or stocks depend largely on psychology

Standard Pakistani response template

Dear Prime Minister Manmohan Singh/Atal Bihari Vajpayee/Narasimha Rao /Rajiv Gandhi/Bush/Obama?, 


Pakistan strongly condemns / is shocked by / is pleasantly surprised with the success of our "freedom fighters"in the loss of dozens / hundreds / thousands / millions of innocent lives in the bomb blasts / sniper attack / hijacking / religious riots/ other disaster that occurred in a busy marketplace/ train/ housing colony / Indian parliament building / an upper-class hotel / templein Mumbai / Delhi /Kashmir / Assam/ Punjab / Gujarat / Other. 

The Pakistani citizens / soldiers / "freedom fighters" / "friendship agents" / studentswho were caught red-handed / found dead at the scene of the crime / convicted of the crime are actually undercover Indian / American / Israeli agents. Any Pakistanis proven to be guilty of terrorism will be rewarded handsomely / dealt with severely / promoted to Lt. Colonel / given a new Indian passport and sent back to India/ handed over to the Americans as proof of our commitment in the war on terror. 

There are no Pakistani army-funded training camps / terrorist camps / madrasaas in Azad Kashmir / Afghanistan/ Nepal/ Bangladesh. The satellite images / photographs / eyewitness accounts/ videotaped confessions obtained by the Indians is fraudulent/ fake /inconclusive / are actually from Indian terrorist camps and part of a larger RAW / CIAconspiracy to destabilize the Pakistani government by stalling democracy / encouraging sectarian violence / undermining Pakistani institutions / causing the next military coup in Pakistan. A destabilized Pakistani government / mafiacould cause Pakistanto become a dangerous nuclear WalMart / Target/Seven-Eleven and a terrorist breeding ground / university/ research lab that would be worse for the world. 

We hope this will not derail the peace process started with the recent India-Pakistan cricket series / Lahore bus yatra / Muzafarabad-Srinagar road opening/ Bollywood peace concert / open borders initiative / other confidence-building measures. We look forward to justifying further attacks against innocent civilians / resolving the core issue of Kashmir / developing best-of-breed plausible deniability defenses. 

We stand by / are plotting against our Indian brethren in their hour / days / years / decadesof pain. 

Signed, 


President, Pakistan/ Chief Operating Officer, Taliban Inc. / General, Pakistani Army

 

Template ends here J

Petromax - Project Manager – Koundamani

Its very Funny!!

 

All in All Project  Manager – Koundamani 
 
Senthil 
Anney! 
 
Koundamani 
Dai! Romba Naalaiku appuram Intha NHS project delivery-ku poga poguthu! 
Latcha roova kedaikum. Athan testing panniturikean. 
 
Senthil 
En santhehatha (doubt) Theethu Vainganney! 
 
Koundamani 
Ennada? 
 
Senthil 
Intha  NHS  Project eppadi ney Run aaguthu? 
 
Koundamani 
Aa! Appdai Vaa! 
Ithukku thaan Oorukkulla oru All in All  Project Manager Venumgrathu! 
 
Adey! Komutti thalaya! Ithukku Peruthaan main application . 
(Koundamani explains the flow to senthil) 
 
Senthil 
Ithula eppadi ney run aagum. Ponganney! 
 
(Senthil Shift + deletes the project.) 
 
Senthil 
Enna anney athukkula Kanama poochu? 
 
Koundamani 
???!!??!!@* 
 
Client 
Inga All in All  Project Manager yaarunga? 
 
Senthil 
Ivaru thaan. 
 
Koundamani 
Dai! 
 
Athu Naan thaanga! 
 
Client 
Saayangaalam project delivery tharanum!  NHS project venum! 
 
Koundamani 
 NHS  Project-A venumaa? 
 
Client 
Aaamaanga! 
 
Koundamani 
Yean , intha railway reservation,library automation ellam venaama? 
 
Client 
Railway reservation a? Ayyo! Athellam venaanga! 
 
Koundamani 
Appo!  NHS project ellam illa. 
Kraaapu vettirukka client-ku ellam  NHS Project Kudukkurathilla! 
 
Client 
???!!??!!@*

 

Best IT Twins

Best mail I’ve seen in a while…………………scrollllllllll down…….J J

 

 

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