How to identify a Software engineer?

1. He/She never bargains... No wonder things have become so costly!

2. When a cab/bus passes by and you see all the commuters in it are

sleeping like they haven't slept for years...

3. Dilbert or Calvin is their favorite cartoon...

4. Words like issues, tracker, raising requests, buzz/ping, compile,

delete [unlike erase or rub it off], onsite [n not abroad is what

'foreign land' is called] are the ones that would be used by

'default'...

5. Weekends are holy words... they are like a salvation one seeks for...

6. "Wazzzup", "Hows life?", are few obvious questions one will be

greeted with which would be immediately followed by "how's work?"

7. Salaries, work etc are always better or in good shape in other

companies than the one he/she is currently in...

8. They don't send or take things... they always forward them!

9. Drinking coffee is the most pleasurable thing they think they do in

the entire day...

10. They seek a search engine in just almost everything they do... When

I forget where I have kept my things at home the first thing that comes

to my mind is "I wish there was a Google search for my room".

11. Mondays are always blue...

12. All of them will have a dream to do something in life and that

something would never be what they are doing right now...

Superb communication :-)................must READ

Programmer to Team Leader :
"We can't do this proposed project.**CAN NOT**. It will involve a major
design change and no one in our team knows the design of this legacy
system.
And above that, nobody in our company knows the language in which this
application has been written. So even if somebody wants to work on it,
they can't. If you ask my personal opinion, the company should never take
these type of projects."


Team Leader to Project Manager :
"This project will involve a design change. Currently, we don't have any
staff who has experience in this type of work. Also, the language is
unfamiliar to us, so we will have to arrange for some training if we
take this project. In my personal opinion, we are not ready to take on a
project of this nature."


Project Manager to 1st Level Manager :
"This project involves a design change in the system and we don't have
much experience in that area. Also, not many people in our company are
appropriately trained for it. In my personal opinion, we might be able
to do the project but we would need more time than usual to complete it."


1st Level Manager to Senior Level Manager :
"This project involves design re-engineering. We have some people who
have worked in this area and others who know the implementation language. So
they can train other people. In my personal opinion we should take this
project,but with caution."


Senior Level Manager to CEO :
"This project will demonstrate to the industry our capabilities in
remodelling the design of a complete legacy system. We have all the
necessary skills and people to execute this project successfully. Some
people have already given in house training in this area to other staff
members. In my personal opinion, we should not let this project slip by
us under any circumstances."


CEO to Client :
"This is the type of project in which our company specializes. We have
executed many projects of the same nature for many large clients. Trust
me when I say that we are the most competent firm in the industry for doing
this kind of work. It is my personal opinion that we can execute this
project successfully and well within the given time frame.

Health Tips

Answer the phone by LEFT ear 
Do not drink coffee TWICE a day
Do not take pills with COOL water 
Do not have HUGE meals after 5pm
Reduce the amount of OILY food you consume
Drink more WATER in the morning, less at night
Keep your distance from hand phone CHARGERS 
Do not use headphones/earphone for LONG period of time
Best sleeping time is from 10pm at night to 6am in the morning 
Do not lie down immediately after taking medicine before sleeping
When battery is down to the LAST grid/bar, do not answer the phone as the radiation is 1000 times

TOP 7 REASONS FOR WHAT I JOINED IT

1) I hated sleep.

2) I had enjoyed my life enough.

3) I couldn't live without tension.

4) I wanted to pay for my sins.

5) I believed in the Bhagwad Geeta principle : karm karo , phal ki ichha na karo.

6) Everything in life has a reason; i wanted to prove it wrong.

7) I wanted to take revenge on myself.

IT Roles in Heaven

Brahma
Systems Installation

Vishnu
Systems Administration & Support

Lakshmi
Finance and Accounts consultant

Saraswati
Training and Knowledge Management

Shiva
DBA (Crash Specialist)

Ganesh
Quality Assurance & Documentation

Narada
Data transfer

Yama
Reorganization & Downsizing Consultant

Chitragupta
IDP & Personal Records

Apsaras
Downloadable Viruses

Devas
Mainframe Programmers

Surya
Solaris Administrator

Rakshasas
In house Hackers

Ravan
Internet Explorer

Kumbhakarnan
Zombie Process

Lakshman
Support Software and Backup

Hanuman
Linux/s390

Vaali
MS Windows

Sugreeva
DOS

Jatayu
Firewall

Dronacharya
System Programmer

Vishwamitra
Sr. Manager Projects

Shakuni
Annual appraisal & Promotion

Valmiki
Technical Writer (Ramayana Sign off document)

Krishna
SDLC ( Sudarshan Wheel Development Life Cycle)

Dharmaraj Yudhishthira
ISO Consultant (CMM level 5)

Arjun
Lead Programmer (all companies are vying for him)

Abhimanyu
Trainee Programmer

Draupadi
Motivation & Team building

Bhima
MAINFRAME LEGACY SYSTEM

Duryodhana
Microsoft product Written in VB

Karna
Contract programmer

Dhrutarashtra
Visual C++

Gandhari
Dreamweaver

Shani
Test engineer: frequently detecting bugs.

XYZ Office - Laying off

XYZ Office -> A fire alarm rang at 6 PM when almost all shift employees are in office (approx 5000). As usual entire office was evacuated within 3 mins & every employee gathered outside office. 10 mins passed..................................5 more mins passed. 
 
Security Officer -> Announcement started, "Dear Employees - With melting heart I am making this announcement that for many of you it will be a last evacuation drill, as we are laying off almost 80% employee.

 

 

While moving in who-so-ever ID card won't work are layed off & all their belongings will be couriered to them tomorrow.

 

 

We followed this approach as we don't want to fill email box size with layoff mail in thousands & also to avoid any fight inside office".

 

 

Hope you have a nice career ahead. Please move in & try your luck.